Hi. I'm Christina. I love music and I love hanging out with my friends. I love food too :) I don't tolerate bullshit in fact I tend to avoid it or at least attempt to.
Oh life is just...
After 840 hours of no sleep (yes I said no sleep) I’m finally starting to sleep. But not well. I don’t go to bed until after 1 and I wake up every few hours…
I couldn’t sleep before cause I actually had insomnia… But a few days ago, I started breaking out of it. I still don’t get more than maybe 4 hours but it’s still better than not sleeping at all.
During my insomniac period, I had a lot of time. A lot of time to myself and a lot of time to think. The first 3 weeks, I didn’t wanna do anything. I didn’t want to remember, think, talk, or anything. But I had to do something to keep me from what was going on. Perfect timing cause finals were around the corner. I finally got my act straight and started trying in my classes.
Then after finals, I didn’t know what to do. I started thinking and things took a turn for the bad. I started putting scenarios in my head. I was torturing myself. I didn’t know why. I was miserable. Then I started thinking why? Why am I doing this to myself? I used to have such confidence and now I’m being a little bitch about things. Getting upset over the stupid little small things.
I thought that if I could get the answers to my questions that I still had, that maybe I could finally sleep. I still don’t have answers but I’m starting to actually sleep. Does it mean that I’m finally moving on?
Unfortunately no. I came up with an idea. I don’t think it’s a good idea. In fact, it’s really not a good idea at all. I’m sure my friends would tell me not to do it cause it’s only gonna make me miserable and I’m just setting myself up for disappointment. But at this point I don’t care. I wanna do it cause it’s the only way I might actually get my answers ON MY OWN.
After last night, I got something of mine back that I had lost; my confidence. That was the very thing that made me who I am and the way I am. Before, I didn’t think I could get the answers on my own, that I had to get one of my friends to get the answers for me. But now I have my confidence back and with that, I can execute my idea.
I figured out recently that it’s relationships that destroy a persons individuality and creates insecurities. It replaces them with obsession, dependency, and last but not least, it takes the relationship and cuts them off from the rest of the world. That seems like a good thing, more time to yourselves to be closer, but it’s not. Fact of life: things change. The farther away you move away from your friends outside the relationship, the more insecure you get when there’s trouble in your relationship. And if that trouble doesn’t go away, you wont have friends or that relationship. I would know cause the confidence I had and my self esteem crashed when I was with him. Instead of believing and trusting in myself, I let the relationship take control of who I was. I didn’t stay in control and because of that, I lost who I was and also lost my best friend/boyfriend. He wasn’t just someone I was with, he was someone I could talk to and someone I was actually comfortable around.
Well, lesson learned. I’m back. Maybe…. It’s too soon to say that but I do have what I had lost; my individuality.
Since I’ve been getting some sleep, I have this same nightmare. And honestly, if it were to happen, I would break down crying. I won’t let it take my individuality back but it would still hurt. I feel ready to execute my ready. In my heart, I feel like I need to do this. For myself.
Because of you, I never stray too far from the sidewalk. Because of you, I learned to play on the safe side so I don’t get hurt. Because of you, I find it hard to trust, not only me, but those around me. Because of you, I am afraid.
